Old School Expectations-Unfinished

At birth, i was the only boy

Not in the whole world obviously, but you could have fooled my family

In a generation of daughters, I was the Sun that my uncles and grandparents hope for

A ray of bright light that was quickly overrun with oddly similar materials

I got given 4 firetrucks on my first birthday

Something about gender norms rang like sirens in each relative’s mind as they brought forth cars

I remember the first time I lost the image of the sun that shone through daughter mired darkness

It was a wednesday afternoon as my father came home to my sister 3 years senior spreading a necklace around my head

No comments made or arguments formed

But next christmas my aunt asked why I had played “pretty pretty princess” with a sister

Didn’t i know at the age of 4 that I was supposed to subscribe to binaries?

I liked the way the plastic earrings pinched my lobes and the time my sister spent involved in my life, regardless of outfit or accessories

But the moment my family reminded me that I wasn’t supposed to enjoy the “femininity” of this action

I should be ashamed

Shame was born and bred in me as each year i saw them passed.

I progressed through personality until who i was was clearly visible under layers of removed rubbel faced rumors

But I never forgot my uncles words as he explained “You’re the only hope for the mckeown name”

By 10, I had friendships stronger than skyscrapers

Each waking moment was dedicated to forging new bike paths in our already mapped out town as we pretended 2 wheels could translate to maturity

Mistaking freedom for adulthood

“I can’t wait to get an apartment with todd!” I explained at my 11th christmas, as my family processed silently the information they were being inundated with.

“But wouldn’t you rather live with a girl? What about caitlin? Isnt that the neighbor you see everyday?”

He wasn’t wrong.

Caitlin became my concrete foundation to fall back to each time my family wasnt able to cushion my descent

But months before the holidays she had chosen independence over being associated with a younger friend

The question stuck like daggers to my subconscious

I was more allowed to be miserable with my female friend than experience elation with the acceptance in male eyes

“But what if i wanna be with a friend?” I asked back as quickly as my defenses rose

My uncles face contorted into mirrored reflections of each ideal imposed on his childhood,

For a brother 4 siblings, 3 of which were also male, and one of whom was gay, he seemed more shocked than slighted at the comment