Morning After-Old and Beta

7 AM

when i woke up, i was supposed to want her gone,

but her absence only left pain hidden behind high fives from friends celebrating the recent conquest

Its supposed to feel good, right?

the absence of emotion

its not making love

its fucking

but what if i fucking loved her

or rather what she could have been

a possible relationship

with joy and happiness in all we did

but it was ruined by all we did

so i smile wide,

call her a piece of ass

and celebrate

celebrate a piece of me dying to fit in

celebrate a piece of me dying to get laid

celebrate a piece of me dying

to apologize and ask for a second chance

a formal introduction with a handshake and a kiss

nothing more

9 AM

Ive never been interrogated so thoroughly in my life.

i would have confessed to anything given the way they grilled me

“I don’t remember her name”

“did it really even matter? haha”

“its not like her name was gonna change anything”

these answers get caught in my throat like someone else has stolen my voice to unleash them on the world.

I want to be silent

and wait

wait for her to walk by so i can apologize for trying too hard to make an amazing night

into a locker room story

she was more than just a conquest

she was the girl every movie tells me about

every piece of writing describing love as the butterflies in your stomach

never got it so wrong.

I didnt feel butterflies, but rather rocks whenever i thought of her

like swallowing a boulder of regret

and letting it erode your soul

chipping away at each part of your personality

questioning if you can change to be better

But not because you have to, because you want to

like you would tweak and refine each detail of your persona, just to make her smile

See, I can’t remember the curve of her smile, but i can still feel the touch of her skin beneath me.

like a topographical map where G marked the spot

I went searching for the wrong treasure