poem to a lost love

When i was young

hope whispered sweet nothings into my ear and let me dwell on memory of false happiness

When i was young, i would hide in bushes and pretend they were castles

I would concoct scenarios as if on a serum on creativity and ADD

i would fight dragons from my horse that was also a plane with lasers and like 50 drink holders

when i was young i saw memories of scolded feet from blacktop basketball games in summer as badges of honor

When i was young i just wanted to grow up

when i was young

i was shy

ME. SHY.

I would often play hide and seek by myself because it would be easier to find myself

when i turned 16 i realized 2 things.

1- i was still finding myself

and 2- i was still young though i refused to admit it to family

see i walked down franklin street and saw eyes full of tears and sorrow with a wrenched cough and a flashback to better times in the simple phrase “spare change? hey man, can i get a dollar?”

I gave it to him and walked away realising that our age changes but we dont change. Not yet. See i still have hope whisper sweet nothings in my ear, i just have trouble hearing it over the music i constantly pump in my ears at a volume that makes my mom cringe when i walk by and she can hear it through the headphones

I am still creative and a find it a little hard to focus. The difference is the dragon in my worlds.

My monsters spill into my fantasies.

my ink mixes with nightmares to splatter my life on a paper

but for some reason you are untouched

my mind has seen your face a thousand times but when i try to imagine you i can’t find anything except shattered expectations

but when i imagine perfection

your silhouette is crystal clear

at first i thought that you were the princess in the tower. the damsel in distress. i was meant to save you

fight monsters and men to get to you

but as i look back on my times with you

i don’t see you needing saving

but i see myself drifting further away from reality i realized far too late what your role in my life was

you were my anchor to keep me clinging to life

you were the knight

saving the day when i wasnt sure i could even make it through the day

i needed you more than you needed me.

and i am realizing this about 4 hours after i told you that i didnt need or want you involved in my life

i keep flashing back to what my teachers told me to

reflect

analyze

but when i look in a mirror i see a child that is trying to fit into a world of other people when he was just made to play hide and seek by himself

i think what scared me was your 2 faces. i often saw the side that you let everyone see

the tough brave face that held their shit together

don’t need anyone else

but every so often, you take off your mask.

let me see the face scarred with tear tracks from the kid who never fit in, but instead of going on your own you built a one man army

put a mask on and convinced yourself you were a superhero

but you werent flying, just falling.

falling from place to place

so i think i was most amazed when you brushed yourself off, and got back up.

you always got up. and took me with you even when i didnt deserve it.

so it is no wonder i fell for the superhero that saved me

but you didnt want a sidekick

so i became the one who helped you up when you needed it, and encouraged you when you needed it

but always remember that every hero has the potential to be an icarus

all you need to do is fly too high, and if that happens, you can be sure i will be there to return the favor and stop your fall

before you land at the bottom

playing hide and seek by yourself